Each New Years my friends and I do New Years tarot card readings, to showcase the upcoming year. One card represents one month, January through December. It is through this medium that I found out that the Tower was in my cards, in early Autumn. The Tower is basically the scariest card in the deck which represents the abrupt tearing down of one's known world, where the walls fall apart and the floor crumbles and everything falls down, including you. I will say there is no such thing as a bad card, since we all have to go through each cycle and it's not the card that makes things happen. It's just there to let you know what's going on. Then my favorite astrologer, Aepril Shaile has basically said in her last two reports something like, "Have fun now before the shit hits the fan in September." Now, don't assume I'm creating or inviting doom and gloom. Firstly, I don't have the physical energy to stop what's coming and second, no card, including the Tower, need be feared, as it is sometimes a necessary part of evolution. What do you do when you see your world crashing around you right before your eyes and you have very little power in the situation? I like scales of 1 to 10. For example, I gauge my daily energy level on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest. Lately it's been between 2 and 4. Where I'd say "normal" people without this problem, or any other major problem have an energy level between 7 and 10. So I average about an energy level of 3, on a descent day, although it's been a 1 much to often these days. This is not a level one can accomplish anything on, much less actually live. For the most part, I'm lucky if I can get to work. Last week I only worked one day and I beginning to drown financially. People who haven't shot their body into the ground don't understand the relationship between body and will. For I will say that it takes an amazingly strong will to still live at all on a level 3, much less be semi-functional. Yet, from the outside it's all, "You just gotta keep going till you die." And I'm like, "I'm pretty sure I'm dying right now." When I look at my life I often feel like I'm looking in from the outside. Like a stranger who is looking at me with pity and contempt. Who is the warrior that's loosing the fight? I want to look away from her. I don't want to see anymore. "I'm disappointed in you. You're failing," and then, I remain sternly detached from emotion, since it's really just a movie I'm watching and there's nothing I can do about it. What would the gurus say? What would Kelly Howell say? (She's someone I admire.) She'd say, "Stop the negative self talk and judgement and love yourself fully." That's what my higher self says and I'm right. But even that doesn't change anything, yet. I suppose this is where patience comes in. When I fully surrender to the healing process, I won't be able to work anymore and that time feels fast approaching. My body is running the show. My body is crashing. My body... I have every reason to continue but the reality is, I've gone so far beyond running myself into the ground. When my body gets below 1%, it's over. I probably won't die; I'd more likely get fired, which I'm desperately trying to prevent but the Tower is swiftly becoming. Can't stop, addicted to the shindig
Chop top, he says I'm gonna win big Choose not a life of imitation Distant cousin to the reservation Defunct, the pistol that you pay for This punk, the feeling that you stay for In time, I want to be your best friend Eastside love is living on the West End Knock out, but boy you better come to Don't die, you know the truth is some do Go write your message on the pavement Burn so bright, I wonder what the wave meant White heat is screaming in the jungle Complete the motion if you stumble Go ask the dust for any answers Come back strong with 50 belly dancers [Chorus:] The world I love The tears I drop To be part of The wave can't stop Ever wonder if it's all for you The world I love The trains I hop To be part of The wave can't stop Come and tell me when it's time to Sweetheart is bleeding in the snow cone So smart, she's leading me to ozone Music, the great communicator Use two sticks to make it in the nature I'll get you into penetration The gender of a generation The birth of every other nation Worth your weight the gold of meditation This chapter's gonna be a close one Smoke rings, I know you're gonna blow one All on a spaceship persevering Use my hands for everything but steering Can't stop, the spirits when they need you Mop tops are happy when they feed you J. Butterfly is in the treetop Birds that blow the meaning into bebop [Chorus] Wait a minute I'm passing out Win or lose, just like you Far more shocking Than anything I ever knew How 'bout you 10 more reasons Why I need somebody new, just like you Far more shocking Than anything I ever knew Right on cue Can't stop, addicted to the shindig Chop top, he says I'm gonna win big Choose not a life of imitation Distant cousin to the reservation Defunct, the pistol that you pay for This punk, the feeling that you stay for In time, I want to be your best friend Eastside love is living on the West End Knock out, but boy you better come to Don't die you know the truth is some do Go write your message on the pavement Burn so bright, I wonder what the wave meant Kick start the golden generator Sweet talk, but don't intimidate her Can't stop the gods from engineering Feel no need for any interfering Your image in the dictionary This life is more than ordinary Can I get 2 maybe even 3 of these Comin' from space To teach you of the Pleiades Can't stop the spirits when they need you This life is more than just a read-through
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Don't say anything too morose. That's negative and uninspiring. Stay on the positive track. Lift people up and lead them into the light...but what if you felt so physically awful that you really just want to die. Is it honest, to show nothing but a smile? Is it healthy? Is it helpful? I don't know. I'm drawn to creating and sharing only the most positive and inspirational but that's only part of the story. My energy level continues to degrade. I was only able to work one day last week and it was truly hell. I have been feeling so bad that I often feel like I'm at death's door and yet I continue. What choice do I have? It's too tempting a fantasy to just give up, to stop going to work, to stop caring, because I really don't have the energy to care about anything. It's beyond chronic fatigue now, it's chronic exhaustion. Due to these factors I went to the doctor, without expectation but a sliver of hope. I told her how I've been feeling and she requested a couple tests and we changed the medication, again. I mentioned treatment for the chronic fatigue but she said that there wasn't really a point in pursing other problems since lack of sleep can cause a variety of things. Now I'll state my disclaimer: I don't blame my doctor for anything because we Americans, for the most part, are privileged enough to be responsible for our own health. That would be ridiculous for me to blame my doctor for my problems. Every person, healthy and sick (with the exception of perhaps genetic diseases and accidents), is responsible for their own health. It is societal, physical and spiritual. It's diet, exercise, life-style, toxins, environment, thoughts and emotions. It's all that and more. Now just a small rant if you will allow...no doctor I have seen has ever tried to get to the root cause of the problem. In fact, that's my entire rant of the Western medical process. It's always, fix the symptoms, fix the symptoms, fix the symptoms, drugs, drugs, drugs, blah! I'm guessing there are doctors out there that do try to figure out the whys of a disease, but I have yet to meet them. So how did I get myself in such deep waters? So far off the path, so far out of balance? How does someone who understands that we do have power over ourselves and our lives, get herself so messed up? Twenty years ago I was a completely different person. I was spiritual. I knew who I was and what I wanted. I prided myself on being spirit led and spirit serving. I had spiritual guidance and fortitude. I felt strongly guided to move to a certain state and be with a certain person and have a particular career but none of that was in the cards. That's what we say right? "Not in the cards." But the reality is, the cards didn't just lay themselves out, we chose the cards. This is a complex subject that is impossible to make clear by a single blog post. Yadda, yadda, yadda, to make a long blog post short, I will just say that I had a choice of where to go, who to be with and what to do but I chose the path less traveled and in doing so I began to stray so far from which I came, that eventually I became unrecognizable and I suspect that could be the point. For the opportunities I were given had a very small window that shut shortly after and I've been stumbling around since, trying to find my way out of the woods. The Road Not Taken - by Robert FrostTwo roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. |
AuthorJust a sleeping beauty trying to wake up by getting some sleep. -GG Archives
November 2018
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