"Two steps forward, one step back." Though my mother implanted this “negative” saying, today I’m thinking perhaps it’s not such a negative thing, perhaps it was just the way she said it. I mean technically speaking, you’re still advancing slowly and that’s sort of the way of healing. Because you see, I originally started writing this blog saying, “I’m doing much better.” I should have been more cautious of my exclamation, not in a superstitious way but as a reminder to be vigilant with the focus of healing, even when I’m feeling good, because the healing journey isn’t a destination, it’s a continuous commitment to health and healing. Being an extremely private, shy introvert, I dislike pity and and am only close to a couple people. I very much envy the people who can share their woes on social media and get allot of sympathy and acknowledgement, but it’s just not me. I envy those who have a circle of close people in their lives who ask them the important question, “How are you doing?”, or having a choice of people to call and talk about specific problems that each friend will be able to relate to in some way. So a large network of real social connections is a fantasy right now (as I dislike absolutes, particularly of the limiting sort). I’ve been an introvert my entire life and with age and (chronic) fatigue I rarely leave the house, unless I have to. Sometimes I get invited to socialize and sometimes I go, but socializing isn’t necessarily what an introvert desires or needs. We need deep connections and that’s not as easy to come by. Most of the time it takes allot of time and effort to formulate those connections and fortify bonds. It takes allot of energy. So then I have to decide where I’m going to spend my energy on. I’m hopeful my energy will continue to rise as my health improves. The point of all this isn’t to illicit sympathy or have people calling me out of the blue just because they feel like they should. Like most introverts I like my quiet life and appreciate the few people who are actually in it. The point of all this is to say that when it comes to health and healing, introversion is a problem. It can create illness and perpetuate it, if nothing is shared and everything is kept inside. This can be especially devastating to people with depressive issues. It is a viscous cycle in which the introvert tends to shut down and isolate themselves, just when they need people the most. Sometimes people take this to the opposite extreme, telling everyone every problem whether they ask to hear it or not and then become emotional vampires. There is also a some people who are empaths, who are highly susceptible to the energy around them, not unlike myself. Most empaths are introverts but some aren’t. It’s just a bit of a double whammy when a shy introvert is also an empath. So while you feel other people’s feelings you’re not necessarily good at sharing your own. If the empath is not good at shielding their personal bubble or if they are weakened with imbalance or disease, negative energy from other people or environment can have a negative impact on one’s health. It actually effects everyone but empaths are most sensitive to it. This is why I follow what Carlos Castaneda said, “No pity,” for myself or others. Not being able to open up is more than an introverted problem. It’s a masculine and a cultural issue as well. In fact, not being able to open up and share feelings is a a luxury and a privilege that people in 3rd world countries might not have. So, if you have something in your heart or on your mind, share it in the best way you know how, for the sake of your health. Words themselves are not always necessary if you can do anything creative: art, music, write…do it! That’s why I create the Facebook page "GG Cat - Artist.” I haven’t written for many months since I announced my greatest hinderance to my healing process, the denial and the acknowledgement of the state of my son, which was an integral part of the healing process. So it may have seemed after my last couple of blogs that I was at an all time low. Yet when we are at our lowest that’s when we can accomplish our greatest healing: pulling weeds, finding our way through the forest, finding pieces of ourself that may have been lost long ago, finding new pieces to ourself that were never known before, planting seeds, tilling the soil and waiting for the sun so that you may rise again a new, better and healthier person. People may be curios about my son. Yet this blog isn’t about him. It’s not even about my life, per say, just my healing. It’s meant to show people how to heal, what it takes and that it can be done. As for my son, I began writing a blog about my journey with his addiction, but I took it down for a couple reasons, one because if you don’t have an addicted child there’s no way to understand and no one really wants to know. It’s foreign and dark and pushes the edges of comfort. Also, I questioned it’s overall benefit to myself, in that I ask myself if I’m continuously recreating a darker story by identifying with it or if I would better serve myself in the healing process with my son by focusing on how I can make improvements. I chose the latter. There’s nothing wrong with the former and I applaud any parent that gets it out there in any way they need to. I have written some of it in a journal and perhaps one day before I die I’ll actually write a book, about something. One way I believe I’m getting better is that in the past when someone would ask me how I’m doing I’d sometimes just point to my blog because the magnitude of that question deserved honesty beyond, “OK” or “Could be better...” where I felt that my whole life was my healing journey. While that may always be an integral part of my life. It’s not my whole life. It’s not who I am, it’s just a big part of how I live my life’s path. Now I find I have a little time to enjoy life’s simple pleasures and at times I find morsels of motivation to do more. Healing takes a long time, sometimes a very long time, but it’s worth the effort. By the time most people acknowledge a problem it’s serious and by that time it’s the healing journey or the darker path. Yet you don’t have to wait. Preventative medicine is not just about nutrition and supplements. It’s also about make good life choices and avoiding contributing behaviors to include consistent thought patterns and emotional or psychological imbalances or avoidance. Face yourself fiercely and go tell someone how you feel, even if it’s just to say, “I love you.” *I’ll be leaving to New Zealand in a couple weeks. Hopefully I’ll have a pre-trip blog before I go, but if not, I’ll definitely have one after. Stay tuned! Be healthy - enjoy the day! :)
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AuthorJust a sleeping beauty trying to wake up by getting some sleep. -GG Archives
November 2018
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