Don't say anything too morose. That's negative and uninspiring. Stay on the positive track. Lift people up and lead them into the light...but what if you felt so physically awful that you really just want to die. Is it honest, to show nothing but a smile? Is it healthy? Is it helpful? I don't know. I'm drawn to creating and sharing only the most positive and inspirational but that's only part of the story. My energy level continues to degrade. I was only able to work one day last week and it was truly hell. I have been feeling so bad that I often feel like I'm at death's door and yet I continue. What choice do I have? It's too tempting a fantasy to just give up, to stop going to work, to stop caring, because I really don't have the energy to care about anything. It's beyond chronic fatigue now, it's chronic exhaustion. Due to these factors I went to the doctor, without expectation but a sliver of hope. I told her how I've been feeling and she requested a couple tests and we changed the medication, again. I mentioned treatment for the chronic fatigue but she said that there wasn't really a point in pursing other problems since lack of sleep can cause a variety of things. Now I'll state my disclaimer: I don't blame my doctor for anything because we Americans, for the most part, are privileged enough to be responsible for our own health. That would be ridiculous for me to blame my doctor for my problems. Every person, healthy and sick (with the exception of perhaps genetic diseases and accidents), is responsible for their own health. It is societal, physical and spiritual. It's diet, exercise, life-style, toxins, environment, thoughts and emotions. It's all that and more. Now just a small rant if you will allow...no doctor I have seen has ever tried to get to the root cause of the problem. In fact, that's my entire rant of the Western medical process. It's always, fix the symptoms, fix the symptoms, fix the symptoms, drugs, drugs, drugs, blah! I'm guessing there are doctors out there that do try to figure out the whys of a disease, but I have yet to meet them. So how did I get myself in such deep waters? So far off the path, so far out of balance? How does someone who understands that we do have power over ourselves and our lives, get herself so messed up? Twenty years ago I was a completely different person. I was spiritual. I knew who I was and what I wanted. I prided myself on being spirit led and spirit serving. I had spiritual guidance and fortitude. I felt strongly guided to move to a certain state and be with a certain person and have a particular career but none of that was in the cards. That's what we say right? "Not in the cards." But the reality is, the cards didn't just lay themselves out, we chose the cards. This is a complex subject that is impossible to make clear by a single blog post. Yadda, yadda, yadda, to make a long blog post short, I will just say that I had a choice of where to go, who to be with and what to do but I chose the path less traveled and in doing so I began to stray so far from which I came, that eventually I became unrecognizable and I suspect that could be the point. For the opportunities I were given had a very small window that shut shortly after and I've been stumbling around since, trying to find my way out of the woods. The Road Not Taken - by Robert FrostTwo roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.
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AuthorJust a sleeping beauty trying to wake up by getting some sleep. -GG Archives
November 2018
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