The healing journey is very much spiritual, mental and emotional, as well as physical. I moved to Arizona to be close to the red rocks in Sedona. While the town is a bit of a jumbling, trifle disappointment with it's tourism industry, the red mountains remain true to their nature, healing and transformative. I went to Sedona a couple weeks ago on vacation with my boyfriend, who took me kicking and screaming and forced me to "have a good time." Just kidding, but it did take him a year to get me there since I wanted to feel better the next time I went, but really felt worse. At one time Sedona actually meant something to me. Heck, things used to mean something. But now, I've been a void for a long time. Though people see my lack of energy and perhaps think I'm not an intrinsically happy person, the darkness within me is incomprehensible. There is no way most people could imagine how far down the rabbit hole I have been, the things I've seen, the monsters I've faced, the things that swim below, etc. The week before I left for Sedona I felt terrible, with my overall deficiency condition. In Chinese medicine a deficiency condition is when the body doesn't have enough qi(energy) or of certain type of qi, causing the body to shut down and try to maintain it's reserves. So we don't sleep but need to get through the day and/or we are low on energy or we get run down and then what? We keep going of course! Because this is America. You're not allowed to rest or take the time you need to be completely healthy without losing your job or having your family go without food, so you go on. You drink a little tea and the tea turns into coffee and the coffee turns into two cups and then three cups and then you have to go to something harder. Energy drinks were my drug of choice for a long time. Then you build up a tolerance and some people might go to something even harder, till your body burns out. Then what do you do? You keep going, and that's how you end up like me - disabled with chronic fatigue and exhausted adrenals and who knows what else. Some days, many days, I feel like I'm literally dying. This is how I felt before going to Sedona. But I agreed to go and I wanted to have a good time so I thought, "If I'm going to die, this would be a great last hurrah." So I gave this "having a good time" thing my all and my boyfriend made it easy and special, which really helped. While there, I found myself looking for something. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, something to help my on my healing journey perhaps. So where does one go when they are in Sedona and they are looking for answers? A psychic of course! I dragged my boyfriend, who doesn't "believe in that stuff" to a "psychic" and the woman had zero psychic ability. She gave us a couples reading. It was cute and interesting. She is probably intuitive and possibly a good reader but... I was looking for a psychic. Then I thought, maybe I'm not looking for a psychic. Maybe I'm looking for a healer. So I asked the woman if she knew of any healers and she said she was a healer and does chakra healing. SIGH. I mean, not that she's not a healer but chakra balancers are a dime a dozen. I wanted a "real" healer, a shaman. The following day I looked for a psychic with actual psychic ability and found a place that said they do psychic readings. So I asked the woman at the counter if the reader was actually psychic or just intuitive and she said both. So I sat with the "psychic" reader and she asked me, "What would you like to know?" "Well," I said, "yesterday I went to a reader but she wasn't psychic so I just want to know what a psychic has to say." She nodded as if she knew exactly what I was saying. She proceeded to tell me a bunch of stuff. I left feeling disappointed that once again I had failed my quest to find a "real" psychic. But I ruminated on her reading for days to come and realized she may have touched on a couple things. She saw that whatever I was going through was a HUGE transformation and that I have to trust in the process. I didn't say anything, that I was going through anything or give her any clues. Except when when she started saying my creative exploits would provide a way out, but then asked me what my passion is and I said, "nothing." She nodded knowingly. She told me that I have to have faith that the Universe is transforming me into something better and that a new purpose will be shown to me. I thought, "Where do I find this faith?" I guess there were allot of things I could have said during the reading but I didn't want it to be led by my verbal cues. So, she may be psychic but I wanted someone with even more psychic ability. I guess I was looking for a psychic to look at me and say, "WOW, you're a volcano of a dark void beyond any balance known to humankind who requires immediate, emergency healing on a psycho-tomic level, caused by this, this and this and I know an ancient healer who can help you." Is that so difficult??????????? After this reading, upon realizing that this is what I was looking for I gave up my psychic quest and instead of having a third reading the following day, I had a massage, which is probably the most healing experience I had in Sedona. I did end up ruminating on my last reading and thought about what she said about a "new purpose." Then I thought, "that's really the crux of my healing journey," I don't feel like I have any real reason to be alive. Without the desire to live, the body just shuts down. With nothing to fight for, we don't. We need a reason to exist. So then sometime between getting the reading and getting the massage I thought, "I want to live." It's not "I want to live!," with an exclamation point or even that I have a purpose. But for now, reminding myself that I want to be here is enough. The following week upon my return home I felt renewed with more energy than I'd felt in a while. So much so that I've even had the energy to pursue other steps on my healing journey that I've been wanting to take. Today, I saw the Chinese medicine herbalist, finally! Hope is renewed and maybe at some point, I'll find the faith I lost.
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AuthorJust a sleeping beauty trying to wake up by getting some sleep. -GG Archives
November 2018
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