I have SEVERE Chronic Insomnia. I've had insomnia for the last 20 years, off and on, but it's only became chronic in the past 5 – 10, increasing all the while. Having chronic insomnia is like living in a nightmare sometimes. You're so tired that the waking world bleeds in with the sleeping world and life can become a bad dream.
I try to avoid telling people about my problem because first of all, I don't think they will understand and second, they ALWAYS give you lame unwanted advice. I hear the same things over and over, “Have you tried chamomile, lavender, a warm bath, milk, marijuana...” People please, shut the fuck up! You don't tell someone with cancer how to treat themselves, seriously. I've tried EVERYTHING natural possible and I avoided taking medication for many many years till it was evident that I had to choose between working at a job or to stay off the medication and not be able to work, and since I had a child (who is now an “adult”) of whom I had responsibilities for, I chose the former. I'm 45 years old and I've been at my current job for 5 years. It is the longest I've held down a job and now that my insomnia is so bad, I finally see why I never did well with all those morning shifts and bankers hours. At other jobs I took naps during my break, everyday or I couldn't make it through to the end. But my current job only gives us a 20 minute break and people with insomnia really shouldn't take naps. So I try to avoid taking naps whenever possible. While napping is unadvised for insomniacs I was desperate not to take medication so it was my best option, at the time. Although, it was quite embarrassing when people would see you sleeping and ask you if you were OK. I managed to work at my current job for a couple years without treatment and was able to do it due to the later shift. I never had a job with later hours before, so second shift turned out to be a blessing. After a couple years I was “managing” by drinking daily energy drinks, sometimes two or three a day, which of course only made the problem worse but I didn't have a choice if I wanted to work. People saw how terrible I looked and felt so bad for me that they shared their prescription medications with me till I was able to see a doctor myself. On the weekends I would withdraw from the energy drinks and it was pure hell. It felt like I was coming off hard drugs and that's what I looked like. I knew the energy drinks were killing me and draining my adrenals and likewise made me super bitchy and my moods were uncontrollable. I needed to get off the energy drinks because my body was too burnt out to continue, so I finally gave in to over-the-counter medication. I took the over the counter medication for two years and fortunately my job gave opportunities to take unpaid days off for particular circumstances, so I was able to keep my job despite being unable to work everyday. There came a point when I felt like the over the counter medication was doing unforeseen harm, though they all do in their own way. I don't think any of them are meant to be taken for years. They always say something like, “Take for seven days and then if sleeplessness persists or worsens consult your doctor because it could be a sign of a serious illness.” My doctor has yet to find any source of my insomnia. I decided that the over the counter medication was no longer good for me and was killing me slowly so I “evolved” to prescription medication. I've taken prescription medication now for several years. The problem with taking medication for most things, is that it's just a bandaid. It doesn't really fix a long-term chronic problem. It only treats the symptoms. For insomnia, medicine doesn't work indefinitely. My body has built a tolerance to every type of medication that I've taken, rendering it ineffective. So in order to keep the medication working, I have to take regular breaks but that's not always possible. Yet when I don't, that's when things start spiraling out of control. The medicine will stop working. I'll be forced to max out my caffeine intake. Of course this only makes it worse but I have to get through my day. Then I have to use every ounce of reserved energy just to make it through my day but where is this energy coming from? It's not healthy energy that you get from sleep, food or exercise, all those are depleted by this point. So it starts taking the energy from my organs, like my heart and I can feel the strain. After two days of this, my immune system is shot and I really can't do much more than lay in bed. My goal from the minute I began taking medication has been to be medication free. That's been my goal and that is my goal but for now I still have to go to work. I feel that it's a cycle where I'm not really living in any way. When I don't sleep, I'm in a living nightmare and when I take the medicine I feel that it spiritually blocks me from living a clear and joyous life. I call it living the Half-Life. It is my hope that I can get back to the land of the living.
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AuthorJust a sleeping beauty trying to wake up by getting some sleep. -GG Archives
November 2018
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